My very first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage that resulted in emergency surgery. My husband was still in the Air Force and was stationed in Germany at the time. I won’t go into all the details, but it was one of those being rushed to the hospital late at night with massive bleeding type of experiences. My body had begun to go into shock and I remember very little of that night, other than there was trouble getting the IV’s with fluid into my arms and waking up after surgery. Obviously, there was physical trauma to deal with. But, much more than that was the emotional aftermath. If you have ever heard my story, I hadn’t embraced becoming a mother with open arms. But, by this point, my heart was fully engaged. I had been following where I thought the Lord had been leading me. So, why would it end this way? I was not only grieving the loss of my child, but wrestling through the “why” questions that inevitably grow in your heart during times of loss.
Something I learned though this experience is that I can’t let my experiences dictate my faith. In this world, unfortunately, there will always be things that we don’t understand. If we allow our circumstances to dictate what we believe, we will constantly be tossed about with no sure anchor to give us direction, keep us grounded, or provide hope. It can be difficult to believe when everything seems to be working out the very opposite of the way it should be. (And, sometimes life is not what it should be. Sure, everything happens for a reason. But, sometimes the reason is that there is sin and death in the world that has brought loss and destruction that was never supposed to be here in the first place!)
What I have come to realize very intimately in my journey, is that faith really is about trusting in that which you can’t see. And, that isn’t about trusting in an unseen God. God can be seen, if only you have eyes to see Him. And, His fingerprints are all around us. However, trusting in His goodness when you aren’t seeing the good? Trusting that He is with you when you feel deserted? Trusting that He is, indeed, the God who heals when you haven’t been healed? These are the kinds of things that require faith. And, I am convinced that the best way to live life well is to live a life of faith.
I love to read Hebrews 11. It gives the story of all these heroes of faith. Those who lived their lives in faith–that is, believing in things they didn’t see. In fact, they died without ever seeing the very things they spent their lives pursuing. How in the world can that be encouraging to me? Because I realize that the way they lived their lives impacts me today. They didn’t see the fullness of their beliefs fulfilled in their lifetime, but they laid a foundation for others to be able to follow in their footsteps and experience the fruit they spent their lives pursuing. This gives me hope that my life of faith will not be without fruit. And, I don’t just mean eternal fruit–although I am hoping for that, too. I mean, I am trusting that my choice to believe when it is hard, will make a difference in the lives of my children and the generations that follow. My faith is not without fruit. It may not always be the fruit I was anticipating, but it does bear fruit. And, it is fruit that will last.
I will periodically add new posts to this page, sharing other parts of my journey relating to loss.